We are gathered here today to mourn the death of an indie girl’s self-confidence.
Cause of death? Murder.
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As a matter of fact, the indie girl’s self-confidence was murdered by popular actor and heartthrob Timothée Chalamet.
(It was involuntary manslaughter.)
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The weapon? Kylie Jenner.
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Timothée Chalamet stabbed Kylie Jenner through the heart of the indie girl’s self-confidence at a Beyonce concert on September 4th, 2023. It was a brutal slaughter, though completely unintentional.
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Taken at the crime scene.
Here’s how it happened: the indie girl’s confidence began bleeding out the second she realized that the indie boy, Chalamet, wasn’t who she thought he was. (To be fair, she had never met him.)
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It’s important to note here that the indie girl’s self-confidence was frail to begin with. She morally objected to the gym, and therefore was weak asf, physically and mentally.
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In short, all it really took to knock the indie girl out was the discovery that, though her indie boy may chase monologue-giving, liberal arts college types, who know nothing of face contour on-screen, he may not choose them in real life.
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As of September 4th, her indie boy was no longer Teddy Lawrence, helplessly in love with indie girl icon Jo March. That night, with his arms around Kylie Jenner, all echoes of, “it’s no use, Jo we’ve gotta have it out”, were lost in the reverberations of Beyonce’s performance.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
It's no use Jo, Laurie doesn't exist.
As of September 4th, the indie boy was also no longer Gatsby Wells, in pursuit of polarizing-but-very-much-indie girl Elle Fanning on a rainy day in New York.
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​​​​As of September 4th, the indie boy wasn’t even Elio Perlman. Turns out the indie boy isn’t even Italian. Or bi-curious!
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(The slash over Armie Hammer was intentional)
Instead, as of September 4th, the indie boy was making out with Kylie Jenner.
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Moments before the death
As previously established Kylie Jenner is the weapon in this incident. However, not in the way you might think. Kylie isn’t violent. She’s a weapon in the sense that if she were to walk into the Love Island UK Villa, male contestants would exclaim, “she’s an absolute weapon!” (In short, she’s hot.)
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Up until the Chalamet incident, our indie girl had been aware of Kylie's power as a weapon. What’s more, she had always been supportive of it. After all, the indie girl is a feminist. She loved watching Kylie use her weapon status to bring athletes and rap stars to their knees.
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The thing is, the indie girl never thought Kylie would bring an indie boy to his knees.
For whatever reason, our indie girl thought she had full ownership of Chalamet… despite never meeting him.
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And though the indie girl was rather plain looking, with small boobs and thin lips, she had always felt that Chalamet would appreciate her mind.
(Embarrassing for her, and a fatal notion as it turns out.)
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On September 4, as her self-confidence bled out, our indie girl grappled with a few difficult questions.
First: Should she get lip filler?
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Second: If Kylie Jenner had been in Little Women, would Laurie have chased her instead of Jo? Instead of Amy, even?
And though the indie girl did rather enjoy the mental image of Kris Jenner in a period piece, the subsequent pain proved too much for her self-confidence to bear.
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So RIP to indie girl’s confidence. It was weak anyway.
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But – there is hope for a revival! First responders are on the scene, performing a life-saving surgery on the indie girl’s confidence and there is hope for a full recovery… especially if our stubborn indie girl is willing to look outside her perceived type.
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You see, in several case studies of note, patients that stray from their perceived type fall into healthy and epic relationships, against all odds.
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One clear example of this can be found in action movie star Keanu Reeves. While Reeves is often associated with on-screen weapons (female and otherwise), in recent years he has shown an affinity for women surprisingly artsy and age appropriate, a phenomenon virtually unheard of for a man of his notoriety. We applaud this anomaly, and wish Reeves and his cool artist girlfriend, Alexandra Grant, the very best.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
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(it gets better, she's also taller)
A second example comes from mega pop star Harry Styles. Basic as the man may seem, he has also been known to successfully stray from his perceived type, and was until recently linked with indie girl hero Taylor Russell, who herself wouldn’t be caught dead in a sequins onesie.
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RIP these two, but the sentiment stands.
A final example can be found in the bro of all bros. (brothers? brethren?) Against all odds, rom-com wonder Channing Tatum has recently found himself both engaged and cool thanks to indie girl fiancé Zoe Kravitz.
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​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​We sincerely hope first responders can use these realizations to revive the indie girl’s confidence and bring her solace throughout her recovery.
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Should the confidence be revived, we suggest, as part of the indie girl’s treatment, that she expand her horizons by exploring the thirst traps of a more rugged type. Perhaps Dwayne the Rock Johnson? As she stretches herself beyond previously conceived notions, she may find herself capable of fanny flutters she never imagined possible.