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We are gathered here today to mourn the death of an indie girl’s self-confidence. 

 

Cause of death? Murder. The indie girl’s confidence was actually murdered by popular actor and heartthrob Timothee Chalamet. (It was involuntary manslaughter.)


The weapon? Kylie Jenner. Timothee Chalamet stabbed Kylie Jenner through the heart of the indie girl’s confidence at a Beyonce concert on September 4, 2023. 

 

And here’s why the indie girl’s confidence died: 

 

The indie girl’s confidence died because in this moment she realized that the indie boy was not her projection of him. (To be fair, she had never met him.)

 

On September 4th, the indie boy was no longer Laurie, hopelessly chasing Saoirse Ronan saying, “it’s no use, jo” before ending up with an equally as cool art girl Florence Pugh.

On September 4th, the indie boy was no longer Gatsby Wells, in pursuit of the (sigh) “quirky” very-much-art-girl Elle Fanning. 

On September 4th, the indie boy was not even Elio Perlman. (Turns out the indie boy isn’t even Italian.)

 

Instead, on September 4th, the indie boy was an indie boy kissing Kylie Jenner.

 

As previously established Kylie Jenner is the weapon, but maybe not in the way you think. Kylie Jenner is a weapon in the sense that, if she were to walk into the Love Island UK villa everyone would say, “she’s an absolute weapon” in British. This basically just means she is hot. 

 

The indie girl was always aware that Kylie was hot and had always been happy for her on this front. This is women supporting women, and Kylie Jenner is definitely a woman. She’s the ideal woman actually, sweet, successful and curvy.

 

The indie girl was already aware of the power this weapon held. And she admired it. She loved the way it brought athletes, rappers, pop stars, and bros to their knees. 

 

But here was her mistake: she thought the indie boys were immune.

 

She thought indie boys grew up with water colors, legos, and books, not weapons.

 

Turns out indie boys sometimes love weapons too, which shouldn’t come as much of a shock. Indie boys are still boys. They grew up playing video games filled with weapons, both female and otherwise.

 

For whatever reason, the indie girl thought she had full ownership of the art boy, that the indie boy would live and die for her and her “beautiful mind”. 

 

(Lol)

 

Embarrassing mistake, I know, and a fatal one as it turns out.

 

So on September 4, the indie girl’s first thought was, “Should I get the boob job? Try a lip plumper? Get sexier?” (The indie girl is not sexy. She is “cute”, maybe “pretty”, but not sexy.)

 

Her second thought was: If Kylie Jenner was in Little Women, would Laurie have chased her instead of Jo? Instead of Amy even? 

 

That was the moment her confidence was murdered.

(Though she did enjoy imagining a few scenes reshot with Kris Jenner.)

 

Alas, the indie boy may not be immune to a hot young weapon. While in film he may chase the monologue-giving girls who study journalism and do not know how to contour, he may not elect them in real life.

 

So RIP to indie girl’s confidence. Turns out it was a bit shallow and close-minded anyway. 

 

Hold out hope though, that the indie girl’s confidence will be revived. Because along with the realization that an indie boy is not solely into indie girls, comes another realization.

 

The other realization is this: just as the indie boy is not limited to the art girl, she is not limited to the indie boy. 


This realization comes from a few recent developments.

 

  1. The indie girl’s confidence should know that action movie man Keanu Reeves, often associated with weapons (both female and otherwise) in films, is actually into art girls, and is dating an age appropriate awesome one: Alexandra Grant. 

  2. The indie girl’s confidence should also remember that mega pop star Harry Styles, basic as he seems, is also into indie girls, most recently Taylor Russell. 

  3. On top of that, the bro of all bros, rom-com wonder Channing Tatum, has recently found himself engaged and cool thanks to indie cool girl Zoe Kravitz. 

 

We sincerely hope these realizations will revive the indie girl’s confidence. And once if they do, we think she may benefit from remembering the lesson High School Musical tried to teach her 17 years ago. The lesson is this: if Zeke can love both basketball and creme brulee, we too can love/pursue whatever/whoever we want.

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